So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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