I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize