i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
