Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
