miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
