I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
