i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
