You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
