talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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