I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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