You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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