Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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