Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
