I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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