He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
