On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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