soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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