At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
