So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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