So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
