guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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