Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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