i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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