Got a toothbrush?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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