Welp...herpes.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
