Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
