I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
ttyl tear gas
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
