apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
