seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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