I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
