Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
