It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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