I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
