That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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