Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
