forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
