cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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