He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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