I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
being pregnant is like rehab
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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