he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He has the fingertips of a God
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