You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
