omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
