And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
