The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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