she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
