please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
