If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
