I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
