I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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