omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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