i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We are all done wearing pants today
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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