I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You ruined the universe
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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