3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
