so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
