if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize