Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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