why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
