Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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