You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
