Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize