weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
