Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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